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Attachment disorder, child abuse, childhood trauma, Christian, Christianity, complex-PTSD, mental illness, PTSD, questioning christianity
What if you’re a Christian… and you have Attachment Disorder… what do you do… with God?
I’ve been in Alcoholics Anonymous a very very long time and I have a lot of time without alcohol. I’ve tried to follow the ‘program’ for all I’ve been worth but have been a miserable failure at it. The only thing I’ve managed to do… by hook and by crook…sometimes by the skin of my teeth… is to not drink.
Step 2 of the AA program says that to recover from alcoholism I must find a Power Greater than Myself. A herculean task for one growing up in an Atheist home. What’s more, it says I must find a “Loving God”…. even more herculean, since I had never had the experience of “Love”. Well the whole thing was a disaster for me. So, to cope without liquor, I’ve been smoking and eating junk food the whole time I’ve been sober.
But during my 2nd year sober, purely by accident, I stumbled onto Jesus Christ, who introduced me to the extraordinary and unconditional… compassion of God. What most humans call “Love”.
So now, that I had the “Higher Power” and the “Love” thing down (Step 2), I thought my problem was solved. All I had to do was to develop a ‘relationship’ with Him (Step 3) so that He could help me work the rest of the Steps.
Big Problem!
The Big Book of AA says we are to find out; “The exact nature of our wrongs”. (pg: 59). Later on it says; “The exact nature of our defects” (pg: 72). I like to look at it as saying: “The exact nature of… what the hell’s wrong with me? What’s going on here?”
Now, in the course of tackling this humongous experiment of not addicting to anything, one of the things I discovered about myself – an ‘exact nature of what is wrong with me’ – is that I have an extreme case of Fearful Attachment Disorder. Initially, this experiment was to learn how to; “Have no other gods before ME (ie: The 1st Commandment)”, and to determine what the hell I’ve been running so hard to get away from through the use of all these other addictive substances and behaviors. I did not expect to find out this thing I found out about myself.
But finding this out answered a lot of questions about why I behave the way I do with God. And why I have such a huge problem with Step 3, which is to try to turn my life and my will over to Him.
If you have Attachment Disorder, how on God’s green earth do you ‘relate’ to God the way Christians present Him? If, because of experiencing relationship trauma at a young age, you become wired to be incapable of having a normal relationship with any being (and the Christian God being a ‘being’), what do you do about this very difficult problem? It’s a very difficult problem!!
This is the big reason why I’m starting to step away from Christianity a bit and returning to the simple premise of these first words of God regarding… us…
Then God said,
“Let us make human beings
in our image,
These are simple words, and a simple concept. If a piece of God is in me, then why do I have to ‘reach out’ to Him as a separate entity? In one way, He is a separate entity, but I don’t have to deal with that. And, with the Attachment Disorder problem, I’m finding out… I don’t have to. Because, if a piece of Him resides in me, then I can ‘relate’ to this piece and not to Him directly. I don’t have to reach outside myself to another being. I just have to go within. Relating in this way, I can finally feel safe.
(To read what this ‘piece of God’ looks like to me, please go HERE)
Then, I latched onto this concept. Since Jesus showed me that God is a God of Great Compassion, I know that this ‘piece’ of God which resides in me also has great, great compassion for my terrible plight. What’s even better? This piece of Him in me does not need to have a ‘personality’! It only has to have this huge compassion along with God’s great wisdom and abilities.
Therefore. since it doesn’t have personality…
I don’t have to talk to it!!
Big relief!!
When I was growing up, talking to the ‘power people’, with all their ‘personalities’ got me hurt… badly!! All this talking stuff I was told I had to do with God. What a struggle; because it’s so… terrifying. But now, the only thing I need to do is, as often as I can remember, remind myself that this piece of God is there… in me… with all it’s great compassion and ability, and like a cook busy in the kitchen lovingly creating a masterpiece, it is busy about it’s business, compassionately and diligently working on me… to straighten me out and get me back on my feet again. I don’t have to talk to it!! All I have to do is not run away to addictions so that I can be clear-headed enough to hear it’s directions, about what it wants me to do, or how it wants me to think about something, next.
So this is the way I am currently ‘relating’ to God. I can’t do it the “Christian” way. Right now I don’t have the ability to. Believe me, I’ve tried my guts out to do it the Christian way. But I can relate in this way. And it seems to be working pretty good for right now.
* * *
By the way, I read that 55 percent of the population now suffers from some degree of Attachment Disorder, I think it’s because there’s hardly any moms (or dads) around anymore. That’s a lot of Christians with potential problems relating to God.
* * *
So this is where I’ve come to so far in my ‘no addictions’ experiment. But, as I’m finding out day by day, things could very well change tomorrow.
.
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Dear ‘Anonymous’:
Thank you for your candor and vulnerability. Being honest about your inner turmoil takes courage, and I admire anyone who’s brave like this!
I hear your heart…so does the Lord. I love Psalm 139:3, which reads “You *comprehend* my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways.”
The word ‘comprehend’ caught my attention a couple of years ago. It’s vastly different from ‘see.’ God looks into our hearts and understands the ‘why’ behind all the ‘what’ in our lives. He sees our behavior through the lens of our broken history, and is not nearly as hard on us as we are on ourselves.
Psalm 103:13, 14: As a [good] father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him, for He knows our frame. He remembers that we are dust.” If I pick up a handful of dust, one thing I know for sure is that I don’t expect much from it. I know what it’s capable of.
As a ‘dirt ball’ on this planet, I can rest in God’s love, knowing that His expectations of me are not very high. Micah tells us, ‘He has shown thee, O man, what is good and what does the Lord require of thee but to live justly, love mercy and walk humbly with God.’ That’s it. There’s your to-do list from the Lord.
I also had a huge ‘attachment disorder’ problem that spilled over onto God. I wouldn’t let Him get within arms’ reach of my heart for most of my life. I didn’t trust Him, I had a lot of issues with Him and His ‘all-powerfulness’ – especially when it came to being “Father” and the sordid treatment He allowed in my life.
Most of my conversations with Him were of the “Why?” and “How could You…” variety.
I am astonished at His patience as I hurled accusation after accusation at Him. I fully expected Him to strike me with a lightning bolt or have the ground open up and swallow me.
However, because God “comprehends” *why* I believe lies about Him, He let me get it all out, then began to open my eyes to see Him as He really is. Like I said, this was a decades-long process…mostly because I’d make an accusation then duck and run away and hide myself in busyness – striving to do the “good Christian thing.”
These days I despise the “good Christian thing” (aka ‘religion’), and want nothing to do with it. The Lord led us to a new church – one where it’s okay to bring our messy lives and be authentic with people. (Which is good, because mine is extremely messy at the moment!) Consequently, we love and lead one another into truth…and the Lord is healing some of our deepest wounds.
About eight years ago, I read a book – a novel – that altered my relationship with the Father forever. Maybe it will do the same for you. The title is “The Shack,” by Paul Young. Spoiler alert – when God arrives on the scene it will seem heretical at first. God used this man’s literary license in the most wonderful way, and stole through the back door of my mind to reveal truths about Him that I could hear from no other source…not even the Bible.
Only a person with tremendous father issues understands why God would allow Himself to be presented in such an outrageous way! The rest of the world doesn’t “get it” and is vocal about this *heretical* book. I don’t care, God used this book in a mighty way to heal my relationship with Him…and He spoke through an ass, too. Go figure!
Although it’s a novel, I’ve journaled my way through this book three times now, and am about to do it again. Every time, I learn more about my Father, Jesus, and the Spirit, and they use this book to expose lies I’ve believed so they can be replaced with truth. (I may have recommended this book before – if so, sorry for the rerun!)
A couple of other books I’ve read lately are by Sharon A. Hersh. One is “Begin Again, Believe Again,” and the other is “The Last Addiction.”
You see, I’ve come full-circle in my healing process, and am back at the beginning of the cycle once again. I, too, am struggling with the big “Why” questions as it pertains to God. I’ve hidden my heart from Him since April, and we’re working through some massive complaints I have as to “How could You…”
This time it’s going a little faster, for I know that I can be gut-honest with Him – and that He will reveal His heart for me in a new way at the end of this process.
Ephesians 2 states that we are *God’s* workmanship. When we get in there and try to work on His masterpiece (us!), we mostly mess things up. This is why ‘let go and let God’ is so important to our recovery. We do not have to power to change ourselves. The best we can do is behavior modification, which only lasts for a while. His work *transforms* us into a new creation…much like a caterpillar is changed into a butterfly. However, the cocoon is confining, messy, dark, and smelly!
Philippians 1:6 tells us that we are a work in progress – and that God never finishes what He begins.
It is for this reason that I believe you’re in a good place right now. He is stirring up many lies you believe about Him so that each one can be replaced with a right understanding of Who He is.
You see, every time I tell Him, “That’s it! I quit!” I can almost hear Him chuckle as He says, “Whew! Took you long enough!” It takes a lot of pressure to get those of us who’ve learned to be strong to become something soft enough to work with.
Steel takes many years to rust away. Clay, on the other hand, well…just add water!
I don’t know if any of this was helpful. I’m excited for you, though. When we find ourselves majorly stirred in this way, revelation is not far behind.
Speak to Him. Tell Him all that is in your heart. He already knows what you think of Him. Ask Him to change your mind about what He is like.
He *does* have personality…and calls us ‘friend.’ True friends talk – even about the hard stuff, the issues that come between them. This is something we didn’t learn from our broken human relationships – especially from our parents. Sad, but true.
Love you, dear sister! ❤
Tami
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Hi Tami,
But what would happen to you when you were forced to talk to ‘them’ – the big people? I was forced into ‘conversation’ with them, then beaten when I said something they didn’t like. It was totally crazy-making and terrifying all at the same time. Jesus visited me 30 years ago and convinced me that I was loved. But all the “CONVERSATION!” I can’t handle it.
I have a very, very, very hard time… just talking. I don’t think you truely understand how hard talking is for me.
I just can’t handle anything ‘big’ with personality. Big things with personality really, really, really hurt me.