As I continue to trudge my ‘no-addictions’ journey, I came to this…
On Saturday I tried to go to a party. My ‘friend’ roped me in by asking me if I could help her out with plates, utensils, etc. She was so insistent that I couldn’t say no to her. So I went.
I hate parties and here’s the reason why. They cement the knowledge I carry inside, that no body likes me. No body. One more time, I wound up sitting all alone by myself. Everyone was grouped up and I was sitting alone.
Right now you may be saying to yourself; “Why didn’t she go up to someone and say hello? Ask them how they’re doing?”. Well I’m sick of doing that. That’s the way it’s been for me my whole life. If I want someone to talk to, I always have to be the one to intrude. No one ever comes up to me to ask me how I’m doing. No one ever does that… ever.
I stayed at the party for an hour – until I was about ready to crawl out of my skin. Then I snuck out when no one was looking.
This morning I woke up with dread in my heart. “This life I live sucks and I can’t wait for it to be over.” I was down in the muck of old tapes again. I had completely lost sight of my Spark (for more on the Spark, see this post : HERE ). I could sense the curtain of insane paranoia beginning to close in to suffocate me again.
No one on God’s Green Earth wants me. No One!
I don’t have conscious memories of this because I was only an infant at the time, but my mother once said to me;
Well I was only following
Dr. Spock’s advice.
This meaning that she would let me cry in my crib until I gave up crying. How cruel. Think of what something like that can do to an infant? You’re in desperate need of connection but are left entirely alone. No one comes. No one is there to help you. You’re life depends on them. Death awaits – but you are learning that nobody cares if you die. It’s terror and worthless ness to the nth degree. All rolled into one big mess. It’s the makings of intense paranoia.
I feel this down in the depths as I write. Without any addictions to block it, I have an ultra-strong sensation of having gone through something like this. Absolute fear, helplessness, followed by a sense of resignation – like a cold shroud – settling in. “There’s got to be someone out there!” … but no one comes. “I was only following Dr. Spock’s advice.” It was terrifying. I’m crying as I write this. Crying for the infant I once was, who went through that terror. Crawling inside yourself to get away from the fear of what you are experiencing as you await death. I know I was there. Deep, deep, deep down to my soul… I sense this experience. “I’m not going to survive this. I’m going to die. No one is coming.” A sense of slow hardening begins to steel inside. This is where the intense paranoia began.