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Dear Elizabeth,

About the attachment disorder thing. I was thinking on the way home about what I know about it from the inside. This is what came up.

From my experience with it on the inside, people with this disorder are absolutely, positively, 100% convinced that no living thing would give a single wit if they died. Their very deaths would have absolutely no impact on anyone. They believe they have as much value as animal road-kill, that the people around them would go on as if nothing happened. Therefore, this becomes the imperative  – they must take care of themselves! They live this way because they think their very lives depend on it. This belief probably started from infancy in the crib when their minds were soft and their cries were left unanswered, or worse – met with violence. They hardened inside to survive and these convictions became ingrained in steel.

 On the surface they can appear to be very PC (politically correct). But deep underneath, when it gets down to brass tacks, they think to themselves; “These people don’t understand how much of a truth this is. No one, and I mean no one cares. That this is the way it works in the world. I mean – don’t you get it?! It’s survival! When I say ‘programed’ this is what I meant. It’s ‘convictedness‘ to the very bone. There is no chink in the belief. They are completely and utterly convinced that living in this world is about survival.

Many of them aren’t even aware that they hold this belief. Because it developed in them as infants, it lies at the bottom of their souls. Many of them addict to something to cover it up. They can smell the stench of it but are afraid to open the garbage can. They run from it through out right addictions and other various nefarious behaviors. Some people even use religion in an addictive way just to get away from this belief.

Oh, they might pretend to trust people and pretend to care about them. Pretend to be all ‘nicy-nicy’ on the outside, but under all the PC layers and all the niceness, it’s all about survival, pure and simple. Underneath all the civility lies a feral animal living by itself. Like feral bears who are so skittish they can’t even trust each other. What’s more, because of all the ugly voices running amok in the heads of these people, they’re even afraid to get close to themselves.

I believe that only God has enough power to ‘gut out’ these steel-hard convictions and get them to realize that there are some people in this world who actually care enough about their raw selves to want to help them to live. It’s only by the super-naturally powerful power of God that this amount of conviction can be budged.

I’m sorry to be such a ‘downer’ and so fatalistic about it all, but I have hope and my hope is in God. He can gut-out these convictions like no human being can. And I believe He wants to help these people. They are His children and He wants to help them desperately. He works through visions and voices to do it. He tries to ‘get through’ in every way He can – He talks and shows… talks and shows… talks and shows… doing everything He can to get their attention – but without violating their free will.

The only way I can see that a human being might be able to put a ‘chink’ in something like this – to possibly dislodge these clients from their certainty – is to try to get them to believe that they have a Spark of the Divine God (see the post:  HERE) within them and through this Spark the visions and voices are going on inside them all the time and are available to them if they would only be a tiny bit willing to look and listen for them within. God makes these visions and voices available to every human being who breathes on this earth. Every human being who will look and listen within.

Though I wish with all my heart that I could help these terribly hurting people – like me – this is the only ‘advice’ I can offer, as just one person – without training – who has experienced what it’s like to be like this, on the inside.

P.S.
I know I’m not out of this conviction yet myself. I also know that this conviction is bigger than I am, and that even I don’t have enough power to oust it. But God has made me aware that I have it – which I know is the first step in recovering – and so I am fully ready to have God change it. I stay awake (ie – don’t ‘use’ anything) so I can the most fully look and listen for the voice of that Spark that resides inside me. I’m poised and I wait … with eager expectation… for Him to show me, or to talk to me, and so, step-by-tiny-step, break through the hardened steel of this conviction.