These are my inner thoughts about how the abstinence is going so far. I’m writing this because I need the support from as many of my blogging buddies, as I can get.
I didn’t complete all my commitments yesterday like I have been able to do so far. My ‘abstinences’ [commitments actually] are becoming more difficult to maintain since I’ve stopped the continuous grazing. I can feel depression / melancholy beginning to raise it’s ugly head in my heart. But all this is just part of recovery. I didn’t expect it because the last week or so, keeping these commitment, has been almost a joy.
I am at once surprised that this is happening to me. But then, I should not be surprised. At the heart of me, I deal with depression and melancholy. There is a lot of PTSD [Post Traumatic Stress Disorder] to deal with, along with all the other problems: Bipolar; Alcoholism; Ulcerative Colitis; Social Anxiety; Co-dependency to name a few. I also have a great deal of shame and fear. There are a lot of problems to juggle.
But God is always with me. Always. As I walk through this blackness where I have no idea where it will take me, His love for me has no boundaries. I can feel it 24/7… this love and unconditional acceptance. I know it through the Holy Spirit living in my heart. It is only because of Him, the Holy Spirit, and Jesus, that I am still alive. I used to be horribly suicidal [tried it four times – no longer though – as He took it from me in 1997, in one fell swoop back]. You can read my suicide story HERE.
So I don’t know where I’m going as I fall into the abyss of abstinence. But I intend to find out.
* * *
**Peace & Feloreaw to our Great & Mighty God**
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *