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I feel like it’s time to start writing about what’s going on in my life and not so many esoteric things. Right now, no esoteric things are going through my mind.

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Oh well. I guess this is selfish and self-centered. But these are my real, ugly, dirty, human feelings. And they are not pretty. Me and my husband, Jerry. are missing him already.

We just found out that our dear, beloved, assistant pastor at our church – was fired. And we can do nothing about it. Nothing. Not one damned thing. Our church has all the power. We have none.

Assistant pastor was the leader of our Sunday Bible Class which we have been religiously attending for the past year. He was counseling my husband for the last several months and, for the first time in Jerry’s life, this husband of mine as been coming out of his shell. He was just beginning to get near other church people without being frightened out of his skin. Now our pastor is gone. They fired him, and I don’t know why. It almost feels like a ‘dad’ died.

When my real dad died, I felt almost nothing. He was never there for me anyway. All he was, was pain.

I’m feeling powerless today. Very, very depressed. It’s so difficult to feel powerless. It’s an awful, awful feeling. I live a pretty good life and have gotten soft. I’m not used to feeling this way.

Now is the time when I MUST work my spiritual program. But it’s so, hard, hard to do. This feeling of being so powerless; it’s a drowning feeling. This is why I’m writing this post today. I’m drowning in my feelings of depression and worry. I will miss him soooo much! He is being replaced by an elder whom I don’t like already. I’m hoping we might be able to see our pastor outside of church, but that’s still up in the air. I e-mailed him to try to make some contact, but so far we haven’t heard a thing. I’m sure they are in shock over it. I am pacing the time when we will hear from him again.

I’m powerless over the whole thing. Thoroughly helpless. Such a horrible feeling.

I don’t know where I’m going with this post; just getting all my feelings out and down on paper. To try to get rid of them I guess. I don’t know. Now is the time I need Jesus. I need to focus on Jesus and God and the Holy Spirit. Because God is always going to be there. He will never change. He will never go away. God, who is the maker of everything in heaven and on earth, will never be fired.

Does this post sound selfish? Maybe it does. Does this post sound self-centered? It might. I do feel deeply for the pain my pastor’s most likely feeling. I ache for him. I ache for the whole damned business. Maybe he’s feelings helpless and powerless too. I don’t know because I haven’t heard from him yet. I hope he will write to us soon.

I’m crying right now as I read this.

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**Peace & All Feloreaw  to our Great & Mighty God**

Robin Illustration
Robin Claire

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