I hope I can express this so I make sense. For me, it’s a complex concept to explain. Being Bipolar makes me sensitive. Sometimes God talks to me in a telepathic way. Then I try to write about it, but it makes for a lot of difficultly, trying to translate what I get from Him, into everyday human language.
I have PTSD [Post Traumatic Stress Disorder]. I have PTSD in spades. I grew up with intense physical violence as well as verbal, emotional, spiritual, covert sexual, and ritualistic abuse. My father was an undiagnosed mentally ill man. He was a passionate but frustrated opera singer who took out his passionate frustrations on his children. My mother was almost as bad in her own way. I call my mother a wolf because she sacrificed her children, so she wouldn’t have to work; so she had time to practice her art. My father never hit her, but it was ok with her that he beat and abuse her children half to death.
When I was twenty-two I was attacked and assaulted by a maniac with a knife. I was grabbed off the street, dragged deep into the woods and raped. I was certain I was going to be stabbed to death. I think it was only by God’s will that I survived. I was supposed to be a statistic; someone who, on the way home from some place, just vanished into thin air, never to be seen again. Whose body was never recovered. A mystery. I was supposed to be one of those.
But I wasn’t. I lived.
I lived alright. But I struggle with a difficult type of PTSD.
“One of the aspects of having PTSD is that you have flash-backs during certain distressing situations.”
I knew I had PTSD but I couldn’t understand what doctors and therapists were talking about regarding flash-backs. I couldn’t understand it until God pointed this out to me…
I live in a flash-back.
24/7 I live in a flash-back. From getting up in the morning to going to bed at night is a ‘distressing situation’ for me. Until November 2010, when God helped with this, I lived with high anxiety of the continuous variety. It was so constant that I wasn’t aware I had this problem until the day God removed it.
“PTSD is when a person goes back and re-lives the traumatic event.”
Well my whole life has been a ‘traumatic event’.
Now where am I going with this? I want to talk about age. Age? Yes, age. What I was brought to an understanding of, is that it’s not only the going back to the event that happens, but that the person also reverts to the age they were when the event occurred. Does this make sense? Have you ever noticed how people with severe childhood PTSD look so young? It’s because they are constantly in a childhood PTSD state.
Most of where I go; most of where I live 24/7, is at the age of a very young girl. The assault at twenty-two was actually a trauma that overlaid the earlier trauma to cement it inside me even more deeply which is why, even more so because of the assault, I live as a small child who is constantly experiencing pronounced trauma.
So, why do I believe that people with PTSD go back to the age when the trauma was experienced?
This is what He told me. This is what I’m getting to. It has come to me that people with PTSD go back there so as to gain information; to get the necessary information to discern how to deal with the current circumstances in which they find themselves. I go back to my seven-year-old because that was the age when my life-beliefs became cemented into me. It was at that age when I came to an understanding about the way life was, and how I should handle myself in response to it.
But, for me, this is a very messed-up place go.
And so they call it PTSD.
But think about this if you will. Don’t all of us have seven-year-olds living inside of us? Don’t we all have cemented views of how life is – at seven-years-old? Then it stands to reason that all of us would be continually going back to our young selves to get this necessary information about how to deal with all circumstances. Whether it be ‘good’ or ‘bad’ information makes no difference. Whether it be ‘good’ or ‘bad’ circumstances makes no difference either. The only difference is that those who have gotten ‘bad’ information from the powers-that-be, are called the PTSD’ers. And those who have gotten ‘good’ information are call the ‘well adjusted’!
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**Peace & All Feloreaw to our Great & Mighty God**
I hope this made some sense to some of you. It was a very difficult concept to put to page. If there are parts missing, or parts that don’t make sense, please ask Him about this. I know He will fill in any gaps in understanding – in mine or in yours. What do you think? I’m open to any input about what has been revealed to you in this
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