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Yesterday I did something that I can’t believe I did.

I attended a “Grief Support Group” because of losing my mom [in-law] where, besides the two chaplains, two other people were present who were grieving. One of them had just lost his dear, dear wife 32 days ago. That’s right, only about one month. Needless to say, he was in a great deal of emotional pain.

In the process of his sharing, he mentioned that he had a painting business that did very upper-class painting of houses.

Suddenly I became selfishly greedy.

After I heard that, I went totally into “me, me, and nothing but me” mode. I didn’t hear a thing he said after the mentioned his business. All I could think of was that I wanted to talk to him after the group was over. I waited impatiently for the meeting to end.

After the meeting was over I got on him like slick on a pole. The thing is, I want to learn how to do a type of painting called “Rustico” on the inner walls of my house. The estimate for a painter to do it, is around $18,000. Yes, that’s not a typo. It’s around 18,000 for a professional to do it. So, with all those dollar signs in mind, I decided to find a painter and pay him/her to teach me how to do it.

So, after the meeting ended, like I said before, I got on him like slick on a pole. At least I said; “I know you’re having a very difficult time of it right now, and it’s totally ok if you say ‘No’ to this.” But, horror of horrors, I continued on;  “But do you think you might be able teach me how to paint in Rustico style?” He looked at me aghast. Of course he said;  “No”. And, by the incredulous look on his face I knew, somehow [somehow !?!| I was way off the beam.

Yes, I actually did that!!! I can’t believe it now, but I actually did that!

How selfish can one person get?!

!!!  I HATE myself  !!!

All I want to do is apologize to him for being sooo, sooo, selfish. But I’d have to go back to the group again to do that. And even if I did, there’s no guarantee that he’d show up himself. Maybe, because of me, he might not come back at all. The whole thing is terribly horrible in my heart. I want to crawl out of my skin. I got convicted and reprimanded by God – through the Holy Spirit – about the horror of it all.

But this is totally new for me. To be so convicted of this utter, utter selfishness. Before being saved and receiving the Holy Spirit, I wouldn’t have batted an eyelash at doing something so terrible. I’d probably have even been angry at him for turning me down!

How savage can one person be.

But I must be growing, to be so convicted. Right?

“And God makes ALL things work together
for the good to those who love Him, and are called…”

The only thing I can do right now [at least until next week when I go back to the group] is to have faith in this… That my Father will somehow turn this horror to  the good. I am definitely His, so this must be true. Right? He will actually turn this around so that it’s a  “good” thing?


But then I got another word from the Holy Spirit, which  was this…

“He needs to go through the grieving process, and that includes a stage of anger. You could be helpful for him in this area. He could use you as the focus for this anger. This would turn the situation to the good, wouldn’t it?” God let me in on a little bit of His magic I think. He’s so, so kind to me. He’s trying to sooth my pain. But, even so, I’m still writhing in self-hate.


I would LOVE to get some comments about this horror. Do any of you, my blogging buddies, have a good and holy word from God that might help get me out of this intense shame? I have a pretty good inkling that my Father doesn’t want me to squirm like this.  But I can’t help it.  I seem to be powerless to stop this writhing in self-hate.


**Peace & All Feloreaw  to our Great & Mighty God**

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Robin Claire