This is a warning to those who are about to read this post. This is probably going to be difficult to read because of the intensity of it. This is a very intense post. I’m exceedingly bipolar – and I get very intense under stress. So if you are also an intense person, it might be a good idea to just pass on reading this.
I’m writing because I don’t know what else to do but reach out to all of you – my dear blogging buddies. I feel so close to many of you and I want to say how so very much you mean to me. This writing, and knowing that you are reading this is helping so much.
I’m bipolar – I’m very, very, very bipolar. I have been been psychotic as times because of it. I also have a ton of PTSD issues which include having NO boundaries. I have ulcerative colitis, and need to be careful for an attack in dealing with something I’ve never faced before. The impending death of someone I’ve become very close to. My mom-in-law. We brought her home to die so she wouldn’t have to die alone. This was her wish and I want, with all my heart to grant it to her.
The problem is, the way I was raised completely stripped me of any boundaries. I didn’t know it is was going to be so nerve-wracking. She is on her way to eternity [she is a re-born Christian too] and I have no boundaries around her. I’m connected to her and feeling like I’m on my way to eternity right alongside her.”SHE” is a “WE” in my child-like mind and I’m freaking me out. To put it mildly, this is freaking me out. With no boundaries to speak of, this is freaking me out. I feel like I am coming apart at the seams. So, in a way, I’m writing this to try to catharses myself out of this feeling.
I am going to pick up my bible as soon as I finish this post. I need God to give me some boundaries with her. I need the help of our super-natural God’s love, wisdom and power to get me to a steady place again. So I can feel like it’s her going – and not me. I have faith in the eternal life – but what will it be like for her?
My Christian mentor and friend told me what is happening to me. She is going, and I’m standing along side her, watching her make the jump into eternal life.
The LVN says it will take about a week for her to go. That isn’t a long time really. Only a week and then she will be through it and living in a wonderful, beautiful, peaceful place beyond what we could ever imagine. She’d had physical problems and pain for many years and now will finally be able to feel physically healthy and well.
This sounds so cold I know. She’s dieing and all I can think about is my own selfishness. It sounds so selfish doesn’t it? But when dealing with this much fear, it’s almost impossible to look outward. Though I so much want to look outward and be support to her, my fear is overwhelming. When there is that much fear inside, it’s almost impossible to keep a level head.
So I’m going to end with that – and go pick up my bible. I need a super-natural word of love and courage from the Lord.
“I am the Lord and I have things well in hand.
I am holding you in the palm of my mighty right hand.
Do not fear.
Be assured, I will make everything alright in the end.”
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