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Author of This Blog, caregiving, Christian, Death, elderly, Family, frustration, non-cooperation, patience, recovery, senior citizens
I’m coming to the end of my rope. I’m going insane.
I needed to write this out – to get my frustration out. And, hopefully, to get some sane input from all you guys; my blogging buddies.
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My mother-in-law came to live with us in July of 2011. She’s 82 years old. A kindly old woman. A Christian for sure. But she has her issues. In this case, I’m talking about one BIG issue. Non-cooperation. Before we brought her to live with us, she had next to no medical care. All they told her was “You have blah, blah, blah, but there’s nothing we can do about it.”
So when she came to live with us, we began to hook her up with doctors of all sorts to get her fixed up so she’d start to have a decent life: general physician; heart doctor; psychiatrist; urologist: gastroenterologist; eye doctor; neurologist; pain doctor; dentist; and physical therapist.
She’s cooperated with none of them.
She sits in your lazy boy and watches TV. She won’t come out of her rooms [we made a little sitting room / bedroom combo for her] except to go to the bathroom. She refuses to do any exercise, and she only wants to eat fast food. No vegetables of any kind. She won’t use the micro-wave; says she’s too dumb for it [her mind is as sharp as a tack]. She will eat almost nothing of what I fix for her. Without the constant supply of fast food hamburgers [we’d get them for her every day if we didn’t live so far away from a MacDonalds] she’s loosing a lot of weight.
She wants to die I’m pretty sure, but I have a hunch she’s going to be around a while to suffer from what she’s doing.
Now, however, because she’s gotten so weak from the not eating or exercising, she’s become unable to lift herself off the toilet.
This seems to be my last straw.
Does anyone else out there have an old person living with them? Can you tell me what you’re going through in living with them? Is this a common theme?
I’ve been nice to her. For a year and a half, I’ve been very nice to her. In response to my urgings to get her physically moving, and to eat some decent food, without using that exact phrase, she’s basically telling me to; “F*** off”.
So last night I finally blew my cork at her. To my “nice” she’s said only; “F*** off”; to my “firm” she’ said only; “F*** off”. But when it’s time to use the toilet she says; “Robin, help me!”. Now I’m beginning to get just plain mean! I don’t want to be this way. I want to be Christian about this and have long-suffering for her. But I’m so human. And I’m beginning to see I have my limits.
Last night, as my husband was helping her off the toilet, I began to scream at her from down the hallway.
I sounded JUST LIKE MY FATHER!!
Where is my husband [her son] in this? Up to the last few months he’s been allowing me to take on just about the total load. I don’t blame him for that. I allowed myself to be the caretaker without insisting he help. He’s started picking up some of the weight a couple of months ago when it became apparent I was beginning to lose it. But it’s only been a couple of months for him so he doesn’t get what dealing with non-cooperation is like. He hasn’t had time to run out of patience with her yet. So he doesn’t understand my wholehearted frustration. Not yet anyway.
The thing is…. the place I’m starting to get to is… heaven help me… everything inside me is screaming and railing against it. Yet I’m beginning to understand… how elder abuse can happen.
Help me, and pray for me.
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robin claire
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A Christian Overcomer 
I completely understand. Before David’s mother passed away in March 2012, we (David and I) felt the same way. Dillan’s mother was diabetic, but she also had a huge sugar addiction. We would try to help her, to tell her healthier ways of “fixing” her sweet tooth, but she never listened. All she wanted was cream horns, twinkies, and all the bread you could want. She wasn’t heavy by any means of the word, but it is what killed her.
I will keep you in my prayers. I am sorry you are going through this. *hugs*
Hi Maria,
Thank you for your encouragement and being willing to stand beside me. Did you get shaky with guilty frustration? I feel so guilty for yelling at this defenseless woman. I think she’s bringing up memories of my having to “care-take” my own parents when I was only a child.
thank you,
robin
Hi Robin, it’s me your sister. You asked for input so I hope you don’t mind my two-cents.
The thing that came up for me as I read this was that a different approach might be more useful for you both. You know about victimliciousness and for sure she is steeped in it. It is obvious to me that she must be very depressed, hence all the TV and comfort food. Vegetables are good, but they don’t numb the mind. She has had a life that no-one would probably have wanted and has practiced being a victim for many years. The antidote, as I see it, to this type of thinking is for that person to come to see it for themselves. How do we help them? By spending non-judgmental time with them. Could you give her a half hour a day of that? If you are quiet with her, even just watching a program, I think she would appreciate the company and she might start to talk. Things come up when we see people dealing with problems on TV and if allowed they can start the wheels turning. My most vivid experience about what I was doing to myself after Rick died was instigated by a scene in a TV program. It usually helps me a lot when I have someone to bounce my thoughts off of. It also helps that person to get to know the real me too. This is the benefit to you. You would get to know the real her and as a child of God, she is a beautiful person despite herself and her self-destructive behaviors.
I apologize if this sounds like preaching. I hope you might consider this solution for your own sanity. You can’t get blood from a stone, but you can get strength from it.
jackie
Hi Jacks,
I have spent time [non-judgmental] with her, watching TV, most days but lately I’ve been staying away from her. TV programs don’t seem to open up the conversations for her. I haven’t the foggiest idea what’s going on in her head other than the fact that I’m almost positive she wants to die. I think she’s kind of counting on this to happen. But I don’t think [I got a sensation about this] that she’s going to die, but go on living for a long time – suffering.
I know she was the “baby” in a family of 9 children and I think I can see this “baby” in her still. She acts like an infant. Totally helpless. She’s always going “uh, uh, uh”, [kind of painful sighing noises] whenever I have to help her get her up from her chair or the toilet. I feels like she wants me to know how much discomfort she’s in. I think she wanted to come live with us so she could get taken care of like an infant. Victimlicious totally. I don’t want to be victimlicious though myself. I took stock of what was going on and I came up with this:
I was a sort of “care-taker” for dad who pushed all his discomfort onto me. Somehow I was supposed to, do for him, to make him feel better – just like she’s doing now. I have to realize that I’ve run out of steam myself – and step back. Jerry can take over her care full time for a while. All I’m feeling right now is a rage that’s gotten to the point of physical shaking inside.
One thing I see that’s helping me. I WILL NOT become a person who avoids doing the uncomfortable things which, if I don’t do, will come back to bite me in the ass later on in my life as I grow old – like she’s doing. I’ve started getting on the elliptical machine [the meat grinder I call it]. I’ve been going this every day without fail for a few weeks now. Also, I’m eating better so I don’t wind up in a place like where she is.
Hi Jacks,
I have spent time [non-judgmental] with her, watching TV, most days but lately I’ve been staying away from her. TV programs don’t seem to open up the conversations for her. I haven’t the foggiest idea what’s going on in her head other than the fact that I’m almost positive she wants to die. I think she’s kind of counting on this to happen. But I don’t think [I got a sensation about this] that she’s going to die, but go on living for a long time – suffering.
I know she was the “baby” in a family of 9 children and I think I can see this “baby” in her still. She acts like an infant. Totally helpless. She’s always going “uh, uh, uh”, [kind of painful sighing noises] whenever I have to help her get her up from her chair or the toilet. It feels like she wants me to know how much discomfort she’s in. I think she wanted to come live with us so she could get taken care of like an infant. Victimlicious totally. I don’t want to be victimlicious though myself. I took stock of what was going on and I came up with this:
I was a sort of “care-taker” for dad who pushed all his discomfort onto me. Somehow I was supposed to “do for him” to make him feel better – just like she’s doing now. I have to realize that I’ve run out of steam myself – and step back. Jerry can take over her care full time for a while. All I’m feeling right now is a rage that’s gotten to the point of physical shaking inside.
One thing I see that’s helping me. I WILL NOT become a person who avoids doing the uncomfortable things which, if I don’t do, will come back to bite me in the ass later on in my life as I grow old – like she’s doing. I’ve started getting on the elliptical machine [the meat grinder I call it]. I’ve been doing this every day without fail for a few weeks now. Also, I’m eating better so I don’t wind up in a place like where she is.
Help those to help themselves.
It sounds like you’ve done all you can to help her help herself, but it’s the only course of action I can see where you don’t get walked on. I had a friend with a debilitating condition, and when she was being non-cooperative I didn’t rush to help her when she needed it. I helped, but I never rushed. I was happy to help, but my help was conditional on it happening at my pace. I’m not advocating that you leave her on the toilet for hours and hours (although… hmmm) but let her know that if she’s in no rush to help herself, you’re in no rush to help her either–and you’ll be there once the food is simmering, or during the advert break, or after this song or whatever…
People want to be able to do things at their own pace, and that might motivate her to take the occasional walk and eat properly.
Also, and I’m in no way justifying her behaviour, try to realise how demoralising it must be to be an 82 year old that needed to move in with your own child and in-law and now not even be able to lift yourself off the toilet. I understand you’re angry (and I would be too–I often was at my friend) but she may be suffering from depression (on top of every ailment that has meant you’ve had to see so many specialists).
Hi Rhys,
Thank you for such a long reply to my predicament. So you had to deal with something like this yourself, huh. I have thought along these lines too. Something like; “I’ll be as willing as you are.” She has to have some consequences for her in-actions.
Thank you sooo much for your support Rhys, in this difficult time.
robin
I didn’t have it as full on as you. My friend has fibromyalgia and she needs a little help most days and a lot of help on others. So nothing this intense.
I hope you find the strength for it, and that in-home-support options give you the break you need.
All the best.
Alternatively, she’s not your mother and relying more heavily on her son (your husband) is the right thing to do. Especially given how much you are struggling.
I am impressed by the efforts you made and the rage you are willing to endure just to help her.
Thanks Rhys,
Thank you for all your encouragement. I gave her all I had to give. I’m making some contacts with in-home-supportive-services today. I need to get away for a night once in a while and I’m working on getting some help with this.
robin
What a challenging situation, Robin. I have no relevant experience to offer you, so I just prayed for you instead. May The Lord give you wisdom, strength, patience, and confidence in his powerful presence with you.
Hi Judy,
I am in the process of looking for help in my community. Thank you for all your prayers.
robin
Hello Robin, My husband is an only child. Except for the times when he wasn’t working and could help, up to 2011 when his father passed, I was the sole caregiver for his parents for 18 years. We walked with them through a heart attack, bypass cardiac surgery, liver and lung cancer, CHF, and COPD, to name the major problems. My parents are still alive and in fairly good health, with my sister and brother doing the major portion of care-giving for them. I don’t live in the same state as they all do, but go down frequently and whenever needed. I work at an assisted living facility and have been involved there as a volunteer for 10 years and recently as an employee for the last two years. I say all that to say, I understand your dilemma…very much!!!! Neither of my in laws lived with us during the time I cared for them. We realized as a couple, because of personality dysfunctions, that it would be too great a strain on our family. His father needed the longest time of care and lived in an assisted living facility and eventually a nursing home until he passed. I think you are being wise to look for help in your community. Some assisted living places offer day stay or respite care which is temporary relief for the caregivers. If your father in law was a veteran your mother in law could be entitled to veteran benefits to help with the cost of assisted living. Over the years I have seen very difficult seniors who have utterly frustrated their family do well in an environment like assisted living. It sounds like you understand her health condition is caused by her experiences in life, her own decisions and need for spiritual healing. I experienced similar issues. When you can’t reason or they aren’t able to accept helpful direction, the only recourse left for you, is pray, love, pray, love, oh and forgive, forgive, forgive….your mother in law, your husband and yourself. Keep moving toward the best care you can give through the help of the Holy Spirit. Pick yourself up when you fail and start over again. You are free from your past. Don’t let the enemy deceive you into believing you will turn out like your Dad. You are a new creature in Christ.
I will say this, hindsight, that I appreciate what the Lord taught me during those trying years. The rewards I will always treasure were hearing my mother in law accept the fact that I loved her, and her making peace with God just before she passed, and knowing their lives were better because God loved them through us. I will be praying for the Lord to give you wisdom, stamina, tolerance, humor and courage…all of which you will need. I will also pray for resources to be made available to help you. Sorry for the length…had to share the whole story….love you…Donna
Hi Donna,
Thank you for replying to my dilemma. I was looking forward to getting replies to this and yours seems to be the closest to what I am facing. Thank you very much for all your heartfelt input. I re-read your reply several times and want you to know that your advice helped a lot. I will look into veterans’ benefits as her 2nd husband was a WWII veteran.
robin
I was trying to boil down my story to get to the point and failed to tell you I admire your efforts to take care of your mother in law in your own home. You have love Robin…God love. Blessings as you seek the best plan for all…love you…Donna
This truly is a sad dilemma you are in. I hope it doesn’t become worse for you in that you develop such emotions which would lead to regret. Instead of focusing on her as a person.. try focusing on her soul. Let her soul know that you love her; by telling her. Through words or even through your gifted talent in writing. Through that you could tell her in so many ways I’m sure. And when you do tell her and do the things you are doing for her, remember it’s to win the soul. Not for yourself, but for God. God took you away from a difficult past which was reminded to you in her. He took you in because He knew that you had the necessary requirement to heal this woman’s soul and prepare it for Him. Perhaps only you, perhaps you are just the sower and someone needs to come by and water it. Whatever the case may be, this is a soul that must be won for God and not tossed out. He’s given you this mission.. you can find a way, I’m sure of it. The more you focus on this soul in need to the belonging of God, the ore patient you will become. The more understanding you will achieve in her wanting to go. And if at first she does not receive your words or actions with kindness.. Just remind yourself that this is a soul that God wants you to win for Him. Be patient, strong and beautiful in this moment. God Bless you and yours.
Thank you Nathaniel, for such a thoughtful response to my dilemma. One thing I don’t tell her is “I love you”. I’m sure she needs to hear those words from time to time. I will remember to say them to her after she comes home from the hospital. She’s went into the hospital again, just after I screamed at her. I forgot to say that in my post. And I am feeling soooo guilty for screaming at such an old and helpless woman. The thing is that my husband is being very understanding about my utter frustration. He didn’t yell at me for yelling at her, at all. This is totally a new side of him. He yells at me a lot.
love to you my buddy,
robin
I haven’t read all your comments but I can understand what living with an older person is like…however I did not have to live with an uncooperative attitude or even verbal abuse from my mother.
If it was your mother think about what you would say or do or ‘not do’. This is however your husband’s mother which makes it really difficult. I think you definitely have to allow him to be more active in her care and maybe at that point he will determine how long it can go on this way…especially if she loses the ability to do ‘personal care’ for herself. The choices then may become more evident. You have to remove yourself as much as possible from her care right now as you are at your breaking point….. and that just adds to your family’s discomfort….Diane
Hi Diane,
I think you are spot on. In all that you suggested. I have to step back for a while. I have reached my breaking point and I need to let him take over for now. I’ve learned several things from being around her though. Several very valuable things. I’ve gotten back on the meat-grinder [the elliptical machine] every day. I need to keep up the exercise so I can loose my weight and so become more healthy in my older years. Among several others, this might be the most important thing I’ve learned.
robin
Listen, my sweet Robin…even on the best day, this is not a pleasant situation for you. What your mom-in- law is craving is control over her life again, along with the frustration of knowing that she has none any longer. She’s the same person in her spirit as she’s always been but her flesh is perishing. The best thing you can do is to find something that you can allow her to have control over. Something little. Maybe even a part in planning and making a dinner once a week of her choosing. As you probably know, the process of dying includes a period of anger. ‘If’ this is the case, ask her to tell you what her greatest fear is. Work through it with her. Sometimes just letting her talk is the best therapy of all. Your situation is in my prayers and I’m sure the prayers of everyone here on your blog.
Hi Dina,
You suggestions are of great help. Thank you so much for them. I will take them to heart and do the things you suggest. They seem like they might help to make things easier for her – so then for me too. You have a lot of great insight my sister. Most of your suggestions I have not done so far. Like asking her what her greatest fear is – and just letting her talk about that – and listening. I didn’t know about the anger either. And I am going to ask her more, what she might like to eat. It sounds like you’ve been around the block yourself with this kind of situation.
love you my sister,
robin
If you stay consistent, they will work. Just look into her face and see Jesus.
Hi Dina,
She’s not going to come home from the hospital to our house for a long while. If ever. She’s in the hospital right now because of severe anemia and she can’t get out of bed or sit up anymore. I think she will be passing soon.
Jerry is all kinds of upset right now. It’s his mother.
love to you my dear sister,
robin
I didn’t realize. Robin…just ‘listen’ to her and try not to feel hurt. She will get to a point of peace and acceptance soon. That’s how death happens. Denial…Anger…Bargaining…Depression…then lastly, Acceptance. It’s just the cycle of life for all. God’s blessings and comfort to you, my MOST inspiring friend.
Hi Dina,
I will do this.
love you
robin
Lots of good comments and support in the comments. My Mother has lived in an apartment we made in our house for her (12 years now) and she just turned 80, (one hip done, the other needs to be done as soon as possible) but mostly independent. Still, her ways are not my ways! You have to get “off time”. The 7th day as rest applies to all labour, not just parenting or paid work. I cannot mind read what is causing her behaviour, nor yours for that matter. There are hints of course. But if you hear a tape playing from someone else’s drama, take a giant step back, breathe deeply, and find your own script. Otherwise you will blame others for your feelings, feel guilty for your feelings, and feel powerless to re-frame your feelings to what works for you and makes you thrive. I’ve been through a lot, at times had the stuffing kicked out of me, but by God (I mean that literally, not as slang or profanity) they will not rip my abundant living out of my soul. So, my heart breaks for you, but what I see of you through your blogs you will find a clear path and gentle journey that lets you do your best without giving up your best! God go with you…
Hi David,
Thank you so much for responding to my dilemma. I got a lot from it. I have to keep my eyes on me and not on her so much. I feel this way because of what’s inside of me – not her. Among several other good things, this is one thing I got from your response. I took a look at that and realized that being held responsible for someone who wouldn’t do their share of the recovery work, is something I experienced growing up with my father. He wouldn’t do any work on his anger. He just used me instead of taking responsibility for it [ie- working out the issues that caused it], himself.
love to you my dear friend,
robin
Many good blessings of peace and hope to you. I am inspired by the spirit/Spirit within you!
Hi Robin. For 2 years 24/7 I had to care for a friend in the mountains of Spain as she refused medical treatment. She eventually passed through but left me very ill which I hope I am recovering from. I was on automatic for her last 3 months with little sleep and food. Would I do it again. Yes. I just hope I have a friend around if I need it, but I am using all the resources that the Spanish Health have to offer at this time. Just be kind to her no matter how she reacts for at the time of her passing you will say to yourself “well, I did my best that’s all I could do”. Ralph xox
Thanks Ralph for responding to my difficulty. I believe I have done all I can. I have been only kind to her [until the day she went into the hospital]. I’m sure you understand this non-cooperation business very well as your friend refused treatment. Talk about being non-cooperative! I don’t think she’ll ever be able to come to live with us again as she’s now pooping in her pants and must be cleaned up.
love to you my friend,
robin
I had to get nappies.Not much fun but she needed them xox