I don’t know if any of this will may ANY sense to anyone out there but it’s just something I have to get off my chest. Something I have to share with my blogging buddies – so hopefully I might feel better.
Jerry and I were having a delightful [to me] bunch of pillow talk this evening. The talk was about how hard our lives had been. He talked about going to parties with couples and being with his “girlfriend” alcohol. We talked about other things [Prince William’s wife is pregnant and stuff like that]. Then we started talking about his 82 year old mom [who lives with us] and how hard it is for me to be around her because she’s trying to die. At Jerry’s prompting, I admitted that the dieing thing was about my own view of death and that it actually had nothing to do with her. I was afraid of death myself because of the atheistic viewpoint I was indoctrinated into about it all my life; how “the worms go in, the worms go out, the worms go in and out of your snout.”
Then Jerry said “Please don’ take what I’m going to say the wrong way, but you really need to feel like the ‘victim’ a lot. ” I didn’t mind being called that name so much as the fact that he said it in what sounded to me like a condescending and judgmental tone of voice – almost angry (?). I tried to stay with the “Primary Emotion” [as per the DBT therapy we’re doing together] but it was hard to pin down. I had a stinging sensation because of the judgmentalism I heard in his voice; like I’d been stung by a bee. What emotion is that – feeling stung?
I finally told him that I felt stung by the judgmentalism I heard in his tone. I asked him if this was correct. He admitted that it was partly true. Then he wanted to quit the conversation and read “so he could get to sleep.” We didn’t have a fight, although we very well could have as we’ve fought long and hard about this subject [having a victim mentality] before. But I decided I’d try the DBT instead – which is to deal with the primary [the first] emotion that comes up.
It’s humiliation – this stinging sensation. It’s humiliating being called by the name – victim. The label “victim” conjures up being exposed of a humiliating character trait. I feel like when I’m being called “victim” it’s like being called a dirty name – like “slut”, or “pig”, or something like that. What was Jerry’s “Primary Emotion” that he covered up with judgmental anger? I don’t know. I didn’t want to get into it with him as he wanted to end the conversation.
This is why I’m writing this instead of talking to him about it. I KNOW putting the spotlight on him [being judged as judgmental] would just start another fight. Being called “judgmental” is a dirty name too, which would sting [humiliate] him. And I didn’t want to fight with him. I don’t want to fight with anyone anymore. I just feel humiliated – and that’s all there is to it.
I don’t know if this made any sense at all, but I’m writing to you about this; to all my blogging buddies, because I need to get this out of me; out to friends – who can empathize. So I don’t have to feel so bad about myself. Jerry’s right, I do still see myself as a victim and I’m angry with myself about this. I feel shame about being this way, but I can’t seem to stop feeling it. I was victimized my whole childhood and it’s something ingrained in me that God has not healed me of – yet. But as long as I live, there’s still hope for this character defect to be removed.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read all this sadness.