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I don’t know if any of this will may ANY sense to anyone out there but it’s just something I have to get off my chest. Something I have to share with my blogging buddies – so hopefully I might feel better.
Jerry and I were having a delightful [to me] bunch of pillow talk this evening. The talk was about how hard our lives had been. He talked about going to parties with couples and being with his “girlfriend” alcohol. We talked about other things [Prince William’s wife is pregnant and stuff like that]. Then we started talking about his 82 year old mom [who lives with us] and how hard it is for me to be around her because she’s trying to die. At Jerry’s prompting, I admitted that the dieing thing was about my own view of death and that it actually had nothing to do with her. I was afraid of death myself because of the atheistic viewpoint I was indoctrinated into about it all my life; how “the worms go in, the worms go out, the worms go in and out of your snout.”
Then Jerry said “Please don’ take what I’m going to say the wrong way, but you really need to feel like the ‘victim’ a lot. ” I didn’t mind being called that name so much as the fact that he said it in what sounded to me like a condescending and judgmental tone of voice – almost angry (?). I tried to stay with the “Primary Emotion” [as per the DBT therapy we’re doing together] but it was hard to pin down. I had a stinging sensation because of the judgmentalism I heard in his voice; like I’d been stung by a bee. What emotion is that – feeling stung?
I finally told him that I felt stung by the judgmentalism I heard in his tone. I asked him if this was correct. He admitted that it was partly true. Then he wanted to quit the conversation and read “so he could get to sleep.” We didn’t have a fight, although we very well could have as we’ve fought long and hard about this subject [having a victim mentality] before. But I decided I’d try the DBT instead – which is to deal with the primary [the first] emotion that comes up.
It’s humiliation – this stinging sensation. It’s humiliating being called by the name – victim. The label “victim” conjures up being exposed of a humiliating character trait. I feel like when I’m being called “victim” it’s like being called a dirty name – like “slut”, or “pig”, or something like that. What was Jerry’s “Primary Emotion” that he covered up with judgmental anger? I don’t know. I didn’t want to get into it with him as he wanted to end the conversation.
This is why I’m writing this instead of talking to him about it. I KNOW putting the spotlight on him [being judged as judgmental] would just start another fight. Being called “judgmental” is a dirty name too, which would sting [humiliate] him. And I didn’t want to fight with him. I don’t want to fight with anyone anymore. I just feel humiliated – and that’s all there is to it.
I don’t know if this made any sense at all, but I’m writing to you about this; to all my blogging buddies, because I need to get this out of me; out to friends – who can empathize. So I don’t have to feel so bad about myself. Jerry’s right, I do still see myself as a victim and I’m angry with myself about this. I feel shame about being this way, but I can’t seem to stop feeling it. I was victimized my whole childhood and it’s something ingrained in me that God has not healed me of – yet. But as long as I live, there’s still hope for this character defect to be removed.
Thank you so much for taking the time to read all this sadness.
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robin claire
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If you were to explain it to someone, how would you explain to them the right way to convey to another person that they seem to like being the victim? You don’t have to answer, it’s just the question I would ask before worrying about anything else.
Hi Mal,
I don’t think there is a “good” way to tell someone that I guess. The word “victim” that I equate with “slut” or “pig” is fraught with intense humiliation.
rc
Does it really matter what words are used? A word is just a word. Can you think of a word that has the meaning he intended that does not carry the stigma with it?
No.
when I get to thinking too much I tend to not notice the world around me too much, and I miss what is going on in other peoples lives. It tends to feel like everything is happening to me because I lose focus of what others are going through. I have to sometimes just disconnect from my world and stop to smell the roses and see what everyone else is up to. It helps me to not focus on my problems too much.
Hi Mal,
I know you don’t believe any of this stuff but I’m going to tell you what happened to me anyway.
This not “fighting back” was a spiritual moment in my life. Normally, I fight back. But I know the world of the spirit operates the opposite of how our material world works. In this material world you “fight back” when someone hurts you. In the spirit world it’s the opposite. You surrender and allow it to happen. You don’t fight back. When I operate within the rules of the spirit world something happens to me. I get a wonderful, powerful, magnificent, and wild spiritual moment, that defies description.
rc
My first impulse was to offer a suggestion for your situation, but I was given the insight that this would make me look “better” than you. I’m not. Your story reminds me of situations similar to what you describe that I found myself in.
So, I offer you a virtual hug, to hold on to you wordlessly, for hours if necessary, so that in some way you simply feel safe and comforted. Let’s be victims together until such a moment comes that we graduate to survivor, and if that never comes, to keep the hug going anyway. I offer you my tears and pain that I hear in your story, mine nonetheless, but genuinely felt. And when we are strong enough to half let go of the hug, accept my hand upon your head with a blessing of peace, enough peace to take another breath of life.
If God may grant it, may you feel the presence of Jesus from my heart through my arms to your heart. (Romans 12:15-16)
My Dear David,
I cherish your hug and your hand on my head. Thank you for – being you, and for giving me God’s arms to hold me. Maybe by my not fighting but instead, sitting with that horrible humiliating feeling, God may get through to me in this area. Though I wanted to fight; to get good and mad, I stayed soft and pliable this time. God can not hold a hand if it’s curled into a fist.
Love to you – my friend,
rc
Hey Robin, I am not one of your long standing blogger friends. I’m the new kid on the block, so I haven’t earned a place in the inner circles of your life. I just wanted to tell you what the word victim looks like to me, one of your sisters in Christ. I see no shame, nor any of the stinging words you have associated with the word victim. I know it really doesn’t matter what I see, because I am not the one feeling it or experiencing what you have experienced in your past. But I wanted to tell you the only thing I see with the word victim is hurt, wounds and pain. That is not humiliating, it is just the reality of your past. I praise God for your dear friends who have expressed their love to you in various words and actions. And I praise the Lord for His love for you, and for your healing to come. One day soon, when you hear the word victim it will only be about someone else in need of healing, and the familiarity of the word victim, and the emotions it evokes, will cause you to reach out to help, pouring out the blessings from the Lord that you have received on your road to full recovery. The enemy torments us with negative labels he has caused our souls to wear. God is the label remover, even those labels with the stubborn glue. 🙂 He calls us beloved child and that is how I see you…. hope you see me that way too….love you new friend….Donna
Thank you Donna for such encouraging words. It’s good to see the word “victim” from a different point of view.
love to you too,
robin claire
I’m sorry Jerry continues to challenge you. I understand completely the brain washing you went through that got you to this point. But if you think about it now, how you decided to handle his criticism was exactly the opposite of what he was calling you. So in your inspection of your reaction to judgement you made a choice which took you out of the victim mode. Does that make any sense? Victim thinking is one of the most difficult habits to challenge because it just feels sooooo real !!! Peace.
Thanks Jacks
I didn’t think about it that way before. “Making a choice” means not “being a victim”. Hmmmmm.
One more thing. I had a hallucination once and until that experience I never really understood how anyone would confuse a hallucination with reality. I empathize with what you go through with Jerry daily, but I think feeling like a victim is a kind of hallucination.
Hi Jacks.
What was the hallucination? If you want to tell me what it was, you can e-mail me about it so it doesn’t get posted on-line.
I’ll try to wrap my head around that concept. It’s difficult to grasp.