I’m debating with myself whether or not to post this.
Well I’ve decided to post it, but with a warning. This post could be discouraging, so if you’re feeling burdened yourself right now, I would suggest that you pass on this post. If you have decided to continue reading, please know that I don’t feel this way all the time. I just feel this way right now and writing it out seems to help me un-burden some. Usually I write just to God and don’t expose this kind of stuff to other people but now that I’m starting to blog, I thought it might help to share this with other Christian blogging friends.
As I say in my blog, this is my journey of overcoming. Well, the demons are after me again. I’m under attack right now and I desperately need prayers.
My husband is up the street getting chicken tenders for mom [my mom-in-law who lives with us] and I’m sitting here wishing I could be up there instead of him. You see, we live in Nevada and right up the street where he’s getting the chicken tenders is a grill with slot machines. I have played “Black Rhino” there in the past and have found it more than simply enjoyable. I could very easily get into gambling as ANOTHER ADDICTION! I don’t drink alcohol anymore but it seems like there’s always another addiction for me right over the hill. I still have a junk food addiction and I still smoke and I’m feeling very weary right now of addictions.
So … there’s the gambling addiction that I’m currently having to fight off.
So… I was sitting there, on the front porch – smoking – and thinking to myself; “Why do I have to deal with all these crappy addictions?!!” and what came into my head was – self loathing. I can’t seem to get away from hating myself. All the love God has for me, that I can palpably sense, is not seemingly enough to overcome this despising of myself. It’s an age-old well-worn tape loop I’ve carried since childhood; continuously running – never ending. A weary and heavy load to bear up under.
So… I’m sitting there, and talking to God about it. I asked Him to take this horrible spirit of self loathing away from me but it’s still there. The answer seems to be “Wait” I guess – and that is so difficult. I’m 58. How long do I wait for this to be taken from me?
But then I got this instruction. He told me; “Write. It will make you feel better.”
So… I’m writing it all out, and asking for prayers from anyone who reads this. It fills me with tears. I’m sorry to burden you all, but I’ve heard that “alone the burdens can be unbearable, but with others sharing the load, they can become easier to bear.”
”Jesus, help me. Help me be loosed from this attack of self-hate.”
The writing of this – sharing this with others – seems to be helping. I have a tendency to keep stuff like this hidden from people. I feel much shame exposing it. I need to read the Bible more than I do. Why do so many of us Christians have such a hard time opening that book??!!! I know I do. It’s almost like I don’t want to get well.
I [barely] managed to open The Book. But this is what I received:
“Do not be afraid, you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace, you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth and remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. For your Maker is your husband – the Lord Almighty is his name – the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. The Lord will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit – a wife who married young, only to be rejected [I have a hard marriage] ” says your God. “For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring you back…. with everlasting kindness I will have compassion on you,” says the Lord your Redeemer…… “Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed.” say the Lord, who has compassion on you. “O afflicted city, lashed by storms and not comforted. I will build you with stones of turquoise, your foundations with sapphires. I will make your battlements of rubies, your gates of sparkling jewels, and all your walls with precious stones.”You’ll be built solid, grounded in righteousness, far from any trouble—nothing to fear! far from terror—it won’t even come close! If anyone attacks you, don’t for a moment suppose that I sent them, And if any should attack,nothing will come of it. I create the blacksmith who fires up his forge and makes a weapon designed to kill. I also create the destroyer— but no weapon that can hurt you has ever been forged. Any accuser who takes you to court will be dismissed as a liar. This is what God’s servants can expect. I’ll see to it that everything works out for the best.” God’s Decree.
I know non-believers think this book is nonsense but what has it shown me here? _LOVE_ Here it is, in black and white, and I am feeling much better than when I started reading it.
PHEW! And it was all about the Spirit of Black Rhino.
ps: God just sent some Christian Mormons to my door!!! Yes, I know they were Mormons but we were able to talk about faith in general – and they prayed for me!!! I’ve lived here a year and a half and no Christians have ever come knocking on my door before – until right now! I guess God is helping me out through every means available. It makes me think. Maybe I should be knocking on doors too, like the Mormons do.