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Alcoholism, Author of This Blog, Christ, Christian, Christianity, Dissociative disorder, dpchallenge, Faith, god, inspiration, overcoming, postaday, PTSD, religion, schizoaffective, spirituality, Ulcerative Colitis, Writing
I’m feeling pretty down-low right now. I just read a blog by someone who is up all the time and I’m doing a comparison thing. I’m a twin and pretty competitive from that. My twin sister got the accolades in the family. I was treated more like the family dog.
Anyway, this blogger has bunches of followers and oodles of comments on their posts. I want to write like that too. But I was told I should “be myself” and not allow readers’ reactions to sway me from my mission to be myself. So this is why I’m writing this. I’m making a confession that is the “real me” – I’m jealous! I don’t have the same self-confidence that I see in that other writer and I certainly don’t have it together the way they seem to have it together. And people seem to like people who have it all-together; those who have found the secret answer to life.
But I don’t have the answer. I am a overcomer. This is what I am. I came from a bad background. Though sober many years, I’m alcoholic and always will be physically allergic to alcohol. I have PTSD; dissociative disorder; schizo-affective disorder; ulcerative colitis; and I love anything I can get addicted to. I struggle. I have also overcome in many ways, but I don’t have it all together – not by a long shot.
I feel paralyzed right now as I put my fingers to this keyboard, but I’m still punching out words. I must keep writing about these overcoming adventures I go through, because this is the only “me” there is. I am not “all there”, and most likely will never be “all there”. As I’m reading this, I feel panicky, like this is a terrible piece of writing, but I’m doing the best I can with it. It’s tricky trying to get a hold of what’s going on in my brain at the moment.
Fear is the thing that comes to mind. Isn’t jealously a twisted form of fear? In my jealousy there is fear that I will not be accepted for being myself; that people won’t like what I write; that people will leave me; that I my writing will be thrown out with the trash. That I am trash.
But I’m still a Christian though the title of my blog says it just right. Mine is a “Christian Journey of Overcoming”. I have not overcome yet, I am still overcoming – and I am processing an overcoming moment right now. I am loved and I must remind myself of that. The only thing that keeps me from running away from this blog is the certainty that I am loved by the ruler of the universe. If you put Him on a scale, He would outweigh every person on this planet all put together. And I believe this universe-ruler wants me to write. So I write. I’m terrified, but I will still continue to write – as long as He wants me to.
“If He is for me, then what can man do to me?” Yes, you might be tempted to throw this writing out with the trash but – Oh well.
A Christian Overcomer 
Continue to be authentic. Your authenticity is who you truly are. If you begin stepping back from that in order to be a ‘people pleaser’, you will find yourself lost and end up in despair. As a Christian, know that “God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of Power and of Love and of a Sound Mind”. I was where you are for too many years. By the Blood of the Lamb, I overcame all of those things that bind you now and once bound me. Keep your eyes solidly glued on the Holy Road you’re on. Don’t look left or right and never look behind. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding”. Don’t believe people. Aim for the mind of Christ. Begin to embrace your healing: 1 Peter 2:24 “… who Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live for righteousness— by whose stripes you were healed.”
Know, by the evidence we cannot see right now, that you are healed. (I need to get my testimony to you; you’ll understand why I said…’did we have the same parents?’) If you have an mp3 player, load it up with songs of praise and Bible Scriptures…then take yourself into God’s realm and enjoy!
Thank you so much for taking the time to help me out. Your advice is thoroughly welcomed. You are my cheering squad, did you know that?
As long as I live and breathe, I’m here for you! That’s what God’s kids (you and me) love to do the best!
As your twin, I know you inside and out. I even knew you before you were born. Being identical we were one person in the beginning. That’s pretty weird when you really think about it. I know your feelings here are temporary and linked up to some trigger that happened recently. Look for that trigger and turn the problem over to the Holy Spirit. Here is an example of how it worked for me. There was a boy in the kindergarten who was out of control. I asked Janet if I could help with him and she welcomed the idea. But when I tried she decided I was giving him too much attention and thought he would become spoiled. I disagreed but it is her class so I turned over the problem to the Holy Spirit like they told me to do at the ACIM meeting. The next time I went to school the boy had been moved to a different teacher. and she said he is doing well there. Isn’t that amazing? It sounds like coincidence, but I know that it is not. These kinds of things happen too frequently for that assumption. How in the world does the spirit world have such an impact when we say “I trust you to make things right.” ?
I have a lot to overcome myself. I was not the golden child. None of us were. How could we be with parents who could not see past their own noses? I made choices growing up that made it “look” like they liked me better, that is all. Your blog sounds like you have been triggered into reliving past pain and have lost awareness of your present life.
I hope this doesn’t offend you.
jackie
I’ll call you and tell you on the phone.
It’s me again. I’m curious. What blog were you reading? I’d like to look it up and see for myself what you are talking about.
jackie
Robin,
You may not have the answer, but you found the Answer. Praise God. Anyone that thinks they have it all together is wrong. They don’t. None of us do, and none of us will this side of heaven. You just keep loving who you are, and praising God for what he is doing in your life.
Joseph
Hi Joseph,
So true. The Answers only come from Him. Thank you for such re-assuring words. I feel so loved by all the blogging buddies who are responding to my posts. Thank you.
love
robin claire