Alcoholism, Author of This Blog, Christ, Christian, Christianity, Dissociative disorder, dpchallenge, Faith, god, inspiration, overcoming, postaday, PTSD, religion, schizoaffective, spirituality, Ulcerative Colitis, Writing
I’m feeling pretty down-low right now. I just read a blog by someone who is up all the time and I’m doing a comparison thing. I’m a twin and pretty competitive from that. My twin sister got the accolades in the family. I was treated more like the family dog.
Anyway, this blogger has bunches of followers and oodles of comments on their posts. I want to write like that too. But I was told I should “be myself” and not allow readers’ reactions to sway me from my mission to be myself. So this is why I’m writing this. I’m making a confession that is the “real me” – I’m jealous! I don’t have the same self-confidence that I see in that other writer and I certainly don’t have it together the way they seem to have it together. And people seem to like people who have it all-together; those who have found the secret answer to life.
But I don’t have the answer. I am a overcomer. This is what I am. I came from a bad background. Though sober many years, I’m alcoholic and always will be physically allergic to alcohol. I have PTSD; dissociative disorder; schizo-affective disorder; ulcerative colitis; and I love anything I can get addicted to. I struggle. I have also overcome in many ways, but I don’t have it all together – not by a long shot.
I feel paralyzed right now as I put my fingers to this keyboard, but I’m still punching out words. I must keep writing about these overcoming adventures I go through, because this is the only “me” there is. I am not “all there”, and most likely will never be “all there”. As I’m reading this, I feel panicky, like this is a terrible piece of writing, but I’m doing the best I can with it. It’s tricky trying to get a hold of what’s going on in my brain at the moment.
Fear is the thing that comes to mind. Isn’t jealously a twisted form of fear? In my jealousy there is fear that I will not be accepted for being myself; that people won’t like what I write; that people will leave me; that I my writing will be thrown out with the trash. That I am trash.
But I’m still a Christian though the title of my blog says it just right. Mine is a “Christian Journey of Overcoming”. I have not overcome yet, I am still overcoming – and I am processing an overcoming moment right now. I am loved and I must remind myself of that. The only thing that keeps me from running away from this blog is the certainty that I am loved by the ruler of the universe. If you put Him on a scale, He would outweigh every person on this planet all put together. And I believe this universe-ruler wants me to write. So I write. I’m terrified, but I will still continue to write – as long as He wants me to.
“If He is for me, then what can man do to me?” Yes, you might be tempted to throw this writing out with the trash but – Oh well.