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I’ve only been doing this a month but something’s come up that’s a big surprise.

Yesterday I spent the whole day reading blogs. Mostly “How to Blog” blogs. They were very informative but… very disheartening as well. I read that you should be  “real”; that you should write as if you’re talking to a good buddy; that you should keep your sentences short; not use unnecessary words; that practice is a must; Other things too, but I can’t remember them all.

I don’t do any of those things they talked about.

I said I was going to write whatever I felt the need to write; how I felt it should be written; and to hell with what you all thought of it.

Well that’s turning out to be not the case.     Here’s the “real” truth.

I’m terrified of the whatif.

It was hiding under my bed last night.

It terrorized me all night.

I couldn’t sleep.  Even while writing this, I’m exhausted.

Whatif… I don’t write very well? Whatif… I can’t come up with stuff to write about? I’ve already written a thousands things, but whatif… none of them are any good? Whatif… you don’t like the stuff I write about? Whatif… “they” don’t like me?

I feel like I’m in grammar school again. Everybody hated me there. Nobody wanted to play with me. Everybody made fun of me. Grammar school was hell – high school was worse. Even the teachers hated me.. And in the neighborhood… the kids were always telling me [including my sister and brother] to “Go home!” So I’d go home. But nobody liked me there either. My sister, my brother, my father, my mother; everybody hated me. Everybody! I never had a friend my whole growing up. Never!

I just don’t know why everybody hated me.

What the hell was the matter with me?

“Don’t mince words.” I read in the blogs.

“Be real”.

I’m crying right now.

But I’m going to print this anyway.

Is crying as “real” as one can get? I don’t know.

Was I “mincing my words”?

I’ll try to write more “real” stuff another day; not mince my words too much. I can’t do anymore of this right now.

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robin claire

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