To read further on this subject, please read: “There is Healing from the Guilt of an Abortion”
I just want to say that I am not opposed to abortion. But I think that all women should talk to
someone who has had an abortion FIRST, before deciding on this option to deal with a pregnancy.
If there is no one like this who a woman can talk to, then I hope reading my experience with this will be sufficient before making this decision. Forewarned is forearmed.
Remember, in “My Testimony“, Jesus said I was still going to be doing things that I wished I wouldn’t? Well, this is one of those things. God helped me with it. He loved me through this experience and He loves me still – just as He said He would.
In 1988 I got pregnant.
In the beginning I thought it was the flu – until I made huevos-rancheros and wound up wanting only the egg yoke and salsa. It felt like a craving and I got suspicious. I went in for the test and it turned up positive – I was pregnant.
Jerry and I were married at the time only 6 months and it was Jerry’s baby, but as soon as I found out I was pregnant I went completely off my rocker. I had a horrible feeling that I was carrying an alien. I’d seen the movie “Alien” where human’s were captured and used to gestate alien babies. I had a feeling just like that. I felt flu-ish. It felt like I was carrying an alien who was trying to suck the life out of me. I absolutely could not handle being pregnant. So I decided I needed an abortion. Jerry was totally with me no matter which way I decided. He was very loving and kind about it. “Which ever way you decide Robin I’m with you” he said.
So I had the abortion and I thought “Good! That’s the end of that. No more worries.”
But that’s not what happened.
After the initial relief I began to get a nagging sensation deep in my gut. It grew and grew until it began shouting at me: “You are a baby killer!! You murdered a totally innocent human being – a baby! – and for the crime of only wanting to live!” The incessant accusing voice dug at my gut. “Baby murderer, Baby murderer, Baby murderer.” – a never-ending loop swirling around and around in my head.
I beat myself – flagellated myself – without mercy. “Baby killer! Baby killer!” In between these horrible guilt sessions toward myself I started eye-balling Jerry. Though he was willing for me to have the child I went after him anyway. I thought; “He let you do it Robin! He’s just as guilty as you are!” Back and forth, back and forth I went; first me then Jerry, then back to me again. The guilt was driving me insane.
After a very long 9 or 10 months of this horribleness, God came to my rescue in the form of Jerry’s therapist. She was getting the brunt of the pain I was inflicting on him. So finally, she asked Jerry if I would be willing to come see her about it. I was eating myself alive. I consented to going.
What happened next is the most important part of this story. Though I had the abortion, God still loved me, and helped me by providing for me – a miracle.
The therapist asked if I would be willing to be hypnotized. I was willing to try anything that might help,
so I said ok…… This is what happened ….
She asked me to get comfortable so I laid down on her couch. Then she said; “We’re going to go into an elevator and go down to the bottom of it.” She had me go down and down, slowly counting each floor, from 10 down to 1. Then she said; “When the elevator door opens you’ll be in a very beautiful meadow with a large tree in the center of it. On the other side of the meadow is the baby being at the age of a child who can understand language.
” Surprisingly, this wasn’t hard to picture. Apparently I’d already put a face and body to my unborn fetus. In my mind’s eye, he had already become a blond-haired, blue-eyed boy of about 4 years old! Then she said: “Meet your child in the middle of the meadow under the tree and talk to him”.
I don’t know if she said anything else to me. I was really hypnotized. All track of time was gone. However, I remember exactly what happened between this child and me and, although 20 years have passed, I remember it as if it had happened yesterday. It all came down to doing what AA calls a “10th Step” with the child.
In AA we have 12 Steps that help us to recover from alcoholism. The 10th Step of these 12 Steps goes like this:
“Continued to take personal inventory and when we are wrong promptly admitted it”.
If I had to put it in a nut shell this is what transpired between me and the child. I helped him climb onto a low slinging tree limb so he was sitting higher than me; then I let him rip me – up one side and down the other.
I let him rip me and ream me and get out all his anger toward me. I didn’t argue with him, I only apologized; and apologized; and apologized some more. He was mad because he wanted to be born to have the experience of a mother’s love. The only other thing I said to him, besides apologizing, was that he never would have gotten this love from me because I was incapable of loving children.
My childhood had me so twisted inside that I didn’t have the capacity to love children. I was terrified of kids; they are so brutally honest. Children can sense my different ness. They’d say to me right out loud; “Your weird!” Then run away and hide behind their mothers.
This was the only thing I said that wasn’t an apology. “I’m so, so sorry”; I said over and over again while I allowed him to vent on me. Finally he got to the end of his anger and began to cry. Then he got down from the branch and started off toward his end of the meadow. I got back in the elevator and came back up and out of the hypnosis to the real world.
I have been cleared of all guilt since then, and it has never returned.
This miracle can only be handed out once however. Aborting the first time is a mistake, but to abort again – one is on one’s own. Right after that I had my tubes tied. I would never go through those emotions again. After this experience I knew I could not handle pregnancy so that was truly the end of it.
How do I feel about not having any children? Totally relieved. I was blessed with not having a biological clock harassing me and I don’t regret for one moment that I don’t have children. God put it in my heart I could have a fulfilling life in spite of not having the experience of little ones. God told me; “In life everyone gets to order from the Chinese menu. You can have something from column “A” or something from column “B” but you will always get fed no matter from which column you choose.” I am having the experience of having a life to suit myself while others are having the experience of having a life with children in it.
To say that this experience – being cleansed from a terrible guilt – was extraordinary is an under-
statement. I have never heard of anyone who has gone through a “clearing” process like this.
God is always with me.
He granted me a gosh darn miracle!
And I believe He will do the same for anybody who had one – and is willing to take this journey.
ps: I you have a hard time killing anything, like I do, you might seriously consider adoption and not abortion.