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Please, read these two  Pages  above first, before reading this one…“Feeding the Finches” ,
then “How to be Saved. You will understand why, after you read them in this order.

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I know this is long but I think it’s a good read and might be worth the time.
“Fly on the wall” kind of stuff.

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When I did this, I saw “The Glory of God”

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This is the story of how I became a Christian and how I saw “The Glory of God”. This is only one story about how one person was saved. There are as many stories of how people have been saved as there are – saved people.

This may sound like the ravings of a lunatic, but I attest to it. Though I can hardly believe it myself, what happened to me is the absolute truth.

First of all, I want to tell you that I have had continuous sobriety since January 1980 and that, except for the first two years when AA was my link to sanity, I owe this sobriety directly to the power I received from Christ Jesus.  So this is the story of how I met Him all those many years ago.

It was February, 1982. I had just celebrated my 2nd year birthday being sober in AA.  I was married to another recovering alcoholic and it was just after our 1st anniversary when the poop hit the fan between us.  I was starting to learn why so many alcoholics never make it. I was crazy with emotional pain both in doing the sober gig and in trying to be in a 24-hour relationship with someone, and  I was being a superior failure at both.

At this point in my sobriety I had come to the place where every morning I would fall into a naked heap in the shower, bawling my eyes out while letting the warm water wash over me for comfort.  I was crying because I knew I had another eternally long day I must walk through without alcohol. As time went on I was not getting better, I was getting worse and neither AA nor my AA sponsor could  do anything to help me. I was as scared as a rabbit coming face to face with a coyote; and as lonely as if I was the only person on earth.

Trying to do 12th Step work – helping other alcoholics, like the AA Big Book said to – just made me more stressed.  I’d been trying with all my might to do the Step 2 of AA – [“Came to believe in a Power greater than ourselves”] but I was having no luck at all.  The only “Power”  I could come up with was a complete narcissist.  I meant nothing to this “Higher Power”, except  if  I did his bidding he would dean to keep me sober.  But in the state I was in I felt incapable of doing anything remotely positive for the world which might align with his desires – therefore I was not worth keeping sober.  He ignored my pleas for help.  He was busy looking elsewhere for others who would give him what he wanted.  This Higher Power had the exact character of my earthly father- the most powerful force I had ever encountered.

My father was a crazy maniac and a rage-aholic and if I didn’t perform to his exact specifications I would receive beatings so severe that countless times I feared for my life. I knew he was crazy, especially when the anger took over – but death was death, no matter how you sliced it.  His countenance was so powerful that, even to this day, I have never encountered anyone as powerful as him on this planet.  And so my “Higher Power” had the exact character of my earthly father because I could not imagine any power greater than dad.

So – back to the story.

I was weeping daily in the shower; my husband and I were doing nothing but fighting; and I was seeing myself swiftly sliding down a slippery slope directly back to the bottle.  Drinking terrified me.  The AA people kept saying that alcoholism progressed even though one was no longer drinking, and two years earlier I was on my last legs already. I was unemployable and drinking to zone in on oblivion.  The only reason I still had a job was most likely because my employer had the hots for me.  But even then he would get so mad at my poor performance that he’d throw my work across the room and call me every dirty name in the book.

My drinking regime at that time  [age 25] consisted of – eating a very small breakfast; jogging two miles every morning; going to work; and then, tired with an empty stomach, closing the drapes, locking the door (a lot of paranoia there) and pouring a fifth of hard liquor down my throat while I rocked in my green, wooden rocking chair – and cried drunken tears over the sad, sorry life I was a prisoner of.

This went on every night.  I drank for oblivion.  I drank to commit temporary suicide – suicide without having to actually “do the deed”.  I’d tasted death many times and came to realize that death was more terrifying for me than even a horrible life on this lump of dirt called earth.  But, even with this knowledge,
I waited for the courage to do myself in permanently.

Then my husband came down drunk.  He called me from a bar drunk out of his gourd.  My rope to sobriety was frayed to its last thin thread so that I felt I had ten minutes left and then be gone – a gonner – drunk – turning to prostitution as being the only way I could see how to pay for my needs.  My husband had no job at that time and no prospects. Divorce was out of the question.  The Dickson family [my family of origin] didn’t divorce !

A picture appeared before me.  Ron and I, handcuffed together – forever – and him sinking to the bottom of the ocean with me in tow.  It was beyond terror. I went to the bedroom and sat down on the bed.  My whole body began to shake ; my mind ricocheted all over the room with craziness.  Only ten more minutes and I was going to be drunk.  Ten minutes to a horrifying future; eventually, [or quickly] leading to certain death.  I just sat there and shook.  No answers – no one could help me.

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.                  .Then I met Christ.

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Then, out of the corner of my eye I spied a little black book laying by itself on the night-stand.  For some reason I turned my gaze to it. On the cover it read “The Soul Savers Bible”.  I picked it up.  This was so strange to see a bible there.  Neither Ron nor I ever read the bible and I didn’t even know we had one in the house let alone that it would have been pulled out as if someone had been reading it. With shaking hands I picked it up and opened it at random.  At the top of the page it read:

“What You Must Do to be Saved”

A ripple went down my spine. It addressed the exact picture I had of drowning and the title seemed to be saying: “We will throw you a life-preserver so that you will not drown – we will save you”.  It got my attention so I began to read.  [Please read “How to be Saved” for the exact wording]  It told me “Read such-and-such verse.  “Can you believe this?”  Further on in the instructions it said again: “Read such-and-such verse.  Can you believe this?”  About how Jesus lived, died to save us and was resurrected to complete the work. Then it said that if  I could believe this I was to get down on my knees and ask Jesus to come into my heart.

Well, this was as far away from what I had been taught in my childhood [and still adhered to]  as the East was from the West.  Jesus’ life, the healing miracles and such were all fables to be used for god-only-knows-what purpose.  And especially, this resurrection from the dead business – well that was complete hogwash.  Yet – how did this little paperback book come to be here where I could so easily find it? And how did I come to open it to a page that so thoroughly addressed my most pressing need?

I felt a stirring in the inner-parts of my quaking body.  “There’s got to be something going on here” I said to myself with delicate belief encased in strong suspicion. I was kind of beginning to believe, just a tiny bit, that maybe my earthly father was a little off about Jesus. The bottom line however, the thing driving me to open my mind a tiny bit to this new idea about Jesus was simply – I was in complete agony and had nothing to loose!  But my old ideas about Jesus were strong.

Then a unique idea came to me, most likely planted in my mind by God, which was: Why don’t you try to throw away all your childhood ideas about  Christ for just a couple of minutes.  Give Him a chance to prove Himself.”  This sounded doable.  I could abandon myself fully to believing everything the Bible said about Jesus was the truth for just a couple of minutes couldn’t I?  I decided to give it a good honest try. What did I have to loose?   I was a gonner anyway.

I was crying, I was shaking, but with all my might, I put aside every stitch of  disbelief. I forced out every suspicion and every doubt and replaced it with the idea that the story of Christ was absolutely true just as the Bible portrayed it – especially the resurrection – that it happened exactly as described. I knew I could only hold off my disbelief for a couple of minutes before it would come crashing down on me again.

So I got down on my knees.   I said to myself: “If Jesus was resurrected that means he is alive today – and if he is alive today  then that means I can talk to him.”  This seemed  to make sense to me so I began talking to the “living” Jesus.

What I said didn’t exactly follow the framework set out by what is generally taught today but it was the total truth for me in my current, pathetic position.

[out loud] I said: “Jesus, I believe you are alive today and that you can hear me talking to you”. 

I began to cry.

“Jesus…   I believe You Jesus. I believe everything about you; all the miracles you did and that you died and came back to life again after 3 days, I believe you are alive today. Please, come into my life. I need you. I’m all messed up and I’m  so very alone. I need a friend. I really need a friend”

I was crying in utter wretchedness.

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.                          …And then the magic began..

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All track of time was taken away.  I was on my knees when I said these things to the living Jesus, and suddenly I became aware of a filmy curtain appearing so that I could somewhat see what was on the other side.  I became aware of a presence that I knew  was Jesus. He came out from behind the curtain and kneeled in front of me  so that his knees were touching my knees.  He put his arms around me and held me for a time.

After a little while  of holding he pulled away and raised his arm up high.  In his hand was a long sword.  “What are you doing!!”  I exclaimed. Before I knew what was happening he plunged the sword into my heart .  But something happened to my heart when he plunged it in – it didn’t hurt.  On the contrary it felt good. There was an out-pouring of love filling up my heart. It was a “love sword”, which was used to penetrate the stainless steel cover I had built around my heart.  Jesus needed to get through the steel so that his love could enter me and so I could believe his love for wretched-me was real. “Is that what love is?”  I exclaimed  No wonder  I couldn’t find a “loving God”.  How could I have if I’d never experienced love?

Earlier in my life I had a boyfriend who told me he loved me countless times –  but I could not believe him.  His love bounced off the steel.  And this was how it was with all the people in my life.  Before Christ there had never been love in my life; the reason why I felt so, so alone.

Then he put one arm around my shoulder and directed me to look outward.  In front of my eyes my whole life was flashed before me including all the terrible and shameful things I’d done in the name of “survival”.  Then he said to me: “Robin, I know everything you’ve ever done but I understand why you did these things and I want you to know ‘it’s cool’.  I understand completely why you did every one of them.
I want you to know that I love you and my love for you  is without conditions.”

Then he turned my gaze in a slightly different direction and flashed my future before me; all the bad and shameful things I was still going to do.  He said to me: “I know that you will continue to do things that are not so good but this is cool too.  I completely understand why you will do them but it doesn’t matter –
I will always love you, no matter what.”

Then he took his arm away and turned to face me with a very serious look.  He said; “I am going to give you a companion who will be with you every moment for the rest of your life.  You will never have to be alone again.”  I felt something come into me from the top of my head which I instantly sensed was a living being.  Later on I learned that this “being” was the Holy Spirit who to this day has never left me.

Never, since that night, have I felt the utter aloneness.  Never !  And since that night I have had a sensation of two beings living inside this one body.  Just as I’d asked him for, Jesus had given me a “friend”, and also a wise guide who speaks to me about what God wants me to know. And I have never felt that utter, utter aloneness again.

All the while this was happening I was aware of beings floating around the far side of my bedroom ceiling.  They were partying: singing and talking and laughing.  There was a whole bunch of them hanging around the far edge of the ceiling.

Do you believe this “impossible” story?  I can only say that what I have told you is the God’s honest truth.  It happened in 1982, and it is  still as vivid to me today as though it had happened yesterday.

Also, if you have any doubts about my experience I have to tell you that I walked out of that bedroom with all the power I needed to stay sober.  I was introduced to a loving God – the only being more powerful than my earthly father.  No more narcissism; no self-centered agenda; no requirement to perform; just love, guidance and help.

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“He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it until Jesus returns” …. Philippians 1:6

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If you want proof of the power I received, look at my sobriety. AA worked for the first two years, but when I met my loving God, through Christ, I have been kept sober ever since.  Never again did I weep in the shower after that night.  I don’t say that things are perfect.  Remember – Jesus showed me that even after being saved I would go on doing things a wish I didn’t.  But I am growing now in the love and guidance I receive from Him through the Holy Spirit.

This is not the end of my story.  But I’ve been writing now for about 5 hours and am getting really tired.  Writing is difficult for me. It takes up a lot of my strength.  I try to communicate in our language things that happen outside the realm of any earthly language I know of, and this is not an easy task for me.

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Peace & Feloreaw to our God

robin claire

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